My kind of flight

As a flight attendant of an asian carrier my flying life is repressed. There are so much pent up emotions that each of us hold as we try to appear genuine with that pasted smiles on our faces.

Now this would be my dream PA announcement:

Ladies and Gentlemen, we would like to apologize for any inconvenience due to the delay of this flight. There is nothing you can do anyway, so let us just all be merry, don't be grumpy and quit complaining. It will save you a lot of Botox money.

Our flight has been delayed due to technical problems. Please wait for further announcement for an update of this flight's delay. Unless you'd like to fly with a broken landing gear...(Flight attendant looks around) you do have a choice...whoever wants to go on and fly with broken landing gears please raise your hand. (looks around and sees no one raising his hands) okay. I take it that we are all willing to patiently wait. Thank you for your patience and understanding.

inflight:

"Please open your tray tables now as we are about to serve the meals (making the announcement so loud that even the passengers who are sleeping will wake up and listen). All of you who wants chicken raise your hand as the FAs reach your row. For fish just keep your hands down and keep quiet. No sudden movements please. As it will distract the concentration of the FAs.

We only serve water, orange juice and apple juice as it is good for you. We would recommend you however to choose water because it has zero calories. As the FAs reach your row and hand you the trays make an "O" sign with your hand for Orange juice, an "A" over your head like when you spell YMCA for Apple juice and for those who want water just keep your hands down.

Upon collection of the trays we ask you not to stack up the components altogether as this will make our lives harder. All leftover liquids must be poured on the coffee cup or inside your main course tin container. If it is full, please ask your seatmate if you may pour your liduids on his.

Please do not stand up and go to the toilets until after we clear your trays. We ask you not to give the trays to any of us since we won't have space for that in the galleys. If you think you are helping us by leaving the trays in the galley, you're wrong. This makes the galley unaccessible and cluttered.

Please be nice to the FAs because they handle your food with care. You'll never find out what goes behind that curtain!

Please calculate the time if you are going to the toilets. It should be anytime before the meal service so that you will not have to squeeze through those narrow aisles with food carts blocking your way and up to 10 minutes before landing. Those who miscalculate will risk holding their business or doing it on their seat.

Ladies and gentlemen we have just landed safely, thanks God. Pardon the terrible landing of the Captain though. Please don't panic, we are still on earth. You have not met your Creator yet. (whispers) Good thing I have nine lives.

This is not a race. So the passengers at the back I'm telling you now "there is no chance for you to be the first one to get off this plane. I repeat, no chance. So quit trying.

Thank you for flying with us and making our lives easier. Happy and helpful passengers means happy crew. Happy crew means safe flight. (imagine if you were the crew in an emergency landing...would you save a nasty passenger who just shouted at you?)

Just one more thing before you go. Please leave the overhead lockers open when you get your bags because we need to open that anyway. And if you feel like opening the others as well, you are more than welcome to do so.

Ensure that you have all your belongings with you before you go. More often than not, after passengers come back and look for their so-called "missing stuff" which is actually just inside their bags or companion's bags the whole time.

Thank you for flying with us and have a good evening."