leave me alone

I have learned something today. I have learned that no matter how much you love someone or how much you want to be with someone...you can never ask them to love you back or make them want you too.

I went through a phase not too long ago...I saw an old flame and something ignited the old feeling buried deep inside. I thought the flame was long doused in water. I went dizzy and disoriented for a moment there but got back to my senses after some time. Good thing the flame didn’t spread like the wild fires of Santa Barbara. I was lucky to be surrounded with Holy Water. Hahaha! My experience this week was a wake up call...I realized I was like kind of this guy...a pathetic loser who was yearning for someone who didn't want him in return. This is my story...

Last week I received a couple of missed calls from my ex and messages. Our common friend kept on bugging me too...trying to find ways on how to get a response from me. I ignored all their calls and text messages. I didn’t buy any of their excuses to see me or pretentions of inquiring about parties just so that they would get a text from me.

Just the other day I saw a crystal ball and I saw that good things were coming my way next year. As an act of charity I decided to meet up with my ex just to close that chapter of the book. He said he wouldn’t mind if we had company if it would make me feel more comfortable. Then he asked for me to change the venue because he felt like going to a karaoke place. Fine. I even gave in when he said he couldn’t go to Makati because he didn’t have his transpo with him (whatever that transpo meant “bmx”? hahaha! I’m so mean). I was being nice to him and bending a little just to get this done and over with. I want him out of my life for good and if it would take me going to greenhills and singing karaoke with him that is fine. Of course I invited the dog and the mouse with me...the cat will never be alone. I also told my other best friend where I would be...just in case.

3 hours before we met he started reconfirming again. Gawd!!! This guy is starting to get annoying. He was changing the plans and saying that he preferred that we be alone. Then he started revealing that he is actually scared to see me because he still has feelings for me and it will never go away so he wanted us not to have any pretentions. What pretentions was he talking about? I never pretended to be anything but nice?! And he was like giving me an ultimatum that if I didn’t want to then this is my last chance to say no. Say no to what???!!! I was so confused and annoyed both at the same time. Then he said when the time comes that I am decided to see him again I should just text him. Say whaaaattt???! Am I missing out on something here? Didn’t I agree on seeing him tonight or what? So I am the one to blame now? What is this crap? The ball is in my court now? How did that happen? Then he ended with "that is enough for me".

I turned it around and told him my piece. He vowed never to bother me again and said that he found his closure. Good! I doubt it though...never found mine! harharhar! I wished him love and peace with Jesus’ guidance. And ended with God bless. I think that was powerful enough to seal the deal.

I therefore conclude that I am lucky because I have my friends who know me yet love me for who I am. My family who doesn’t have any choice but to love me... and my own family who love me without me asking for it.

my 10 guilty pleasures (Part 1)

my secret guilty pleasures...

1. sprinkling oil na pinaglutuan ng fried spam, pork chop, fried chicken, tinapa or anything fried over rice and patis or seasoning. graaaabeee!!! i'm drooling!
2. rice with cream of mushroom soup with caviar and lemon. aaarrrghhhh!!!!
3. freshly brewed coffee with cream and dark chocolate pralines or truffles
4. salmon roll topped with lots of japanese mayo...yummm!!!!
5. anything with lots of whipped cream...
6. chocolate souffle at max brenner...hot chocolate at cafe breton...thick hot chocolate drink at mc cafe in rome italy...teuscher truffles in ifc mall
7. garlic rice with knorr seasoning
8. cheese...i'm lactose intolerant so it's my guilty pleasure
9. oysters...a dozen everyday
10. deep fried taba ng baboy....groooowwwwllllll!!!!!!!!

isn't it too late for Halloween?

I thought dead people are not to be seen again until the second coming of Christ??? Then can someone please explain why do I have to be notified of sightings of someone that I buried so many times already? Just the other day I received a message from the mouse that it saw the dead came to life at the mall. How could that be possible? And why did the mouse see the dead person there? Could it be that it was in the spirit of Halloween? But Halloween has been long gone...it’s been more than two weeks already. Well, I just shrugged my shoulders and said “Oh well...sometimes people...like warts keep on reappearing.” Hahaha!!!

This is what makes it worse...this morning as I was attempting to clean up the attic and organize the mountain of clutter...I found my way to my old training manuals and paper clippings. I was excited, surprised, shocked and afraid all at the same time when I found a compilation of songs that I was fond of at one phase in my life. The songs were:
Before I fall in love
Dreaming of You
Strong Enough
To my astonishment on the fourth page was a transcript saved from an ICQ log last November 15, 1999... exactly 9 years and 2 days from today. Just before my Paris flight last Nov 13, my proverbial signs started appearing once more. I tried to brush it off...I saw one or two more in Paris...I really cannot remember because I didn’t want to pay attention anymore. I felt like if I ignored it...it will just go away. But no...this transcript reopened old wounds. As I cannot cut and paste the whole thing here, let me just explain what was the gist of the whole conversation.

I was chatting with my boyfriend at that time and it was all about how he was apologizing for not telling me that he was still attached at that time that we were going out...it was the first time that I found out about it. The chat log showed how I was so trusting and so unaware of the series of unfortunate events that awaits me. I would be a hypocrite if I was to say that I didn’t get “kilig” while I was reading it. It brought me to that certain time 9 years ago. I was so sure of myself and I looked at him as a shy and not-all-that kind of guy. I underestimated him when I measured him as someone who is not capable of turning my world upside down. If you were to read the log...it showed how I was still so in control of my feelings. We were still new then that’s why...but things happened so fast so soon with us. It was like a whirlwind that struck me like a deadly tornado. It was so fast and it cut so deep.

What made me shake my head was the promises that he made to me...men...why do they have to complicate our lives? Now, what? I hope to not see any more signs or more so sightings of him. Let me be in peace...or chaos...whatever suits your fancy...just let me be...

Me??? Paranoid??? Never!!!!....wanna admit it!

What is it with men and women? Just today my ever loving (ubo ubo uboooooo!!!!!) husband was bugging me about this stag party for his high school friend. He asked me so many times and as usual I just shrugged my shoulders to keep things safe. That is our normal routine...he would ask my opinion about something, I would say something that I had in mind or just say “ikaw” “it’s up to you” “ewan” or simply shrug my shoulders. He could never get a good answer from me. More often than not I know so well what he wants me to say but I will not say it...I will never get caught saying what is needed to be heard from me...unless I need something *snicker* *snicker*!!!

Back to my topic for today’s dilemma...the stag party was tonight (which I completely forgot due to my Alzheimer’s and thanks to my mom for reminding me that it was tonight). It’s not a big deal to me REALLY honest to God. I allow my husband to go to girly bars if he needs to (or so he says) and look at other women as long as it just admiration or en passing lust...they say that according to my star sign I am “the jealous type”...sometimes I try to deny that but I am territorial at times. I’m not stupid...anything that is too much or too little is bad. So I am open to things but to a point.

I was tinkering with my husband’s computer (which I gave as a present) because mine (which my friend gave me as a present) was slower and there’s something wrong with the graphics...thanks to jac...when I thought of uploading some pictures from my husband’s files. I was shocked to see pictures of babes in swimsuits and some were topless. The title was Doki which lead me to think that it came from my neighbour (that pervert!!!) nah...he is a decent guy...but he is just being a guy I guess. Then...I was just reminded that my husband was in a stag party!!! O.M.G!!!!!!!!!!!!! hahaha! The paranoid side of me was awakened once again!!! That green-eyed monster crept out of it’s well secured cage! Damn it!

So I just lovingly sent a text message saying “Make sure na yung gagawin mo dyan sa party ok lang sayo kung gagawin ko din. ;) “ then I was in a state or nirvana once more. Sometimes if you can’t get assurance from your partner...scare them to get your assurance! Hahaha!!!

After an hour my phone was ringing...he was on his way to his friend’s house in greenhills where he will have a nightcap with his best friend. He talked about how the overflowing sluts were high on ecstasy fucking each other and how this one girl just kept on following her everywhere...how he went to one room and asked the girl to strip so they can take pictures of her with a couple of men in the room (or so he says)...he was even daring me to see the pictures (as if I will chicken out!). I don’t know which of the stories were true. I don’t know the details that he opted not to share with me. I don’t know what happened there in that stag party. It’s not that I don’t care...it just feels good that at the end of the day you know damn well that whatever happened there...you can do it too!!!

Make love...not peace!!!

p.s.
it reminded me of the mouse's question
about me being sure that my husband
doesn't watch videos or read porn materials
i guess she knew my answer last night when
we ate out in pasay road...and this proves
it more to be true.

what's important?

do you jump for joy when someone gives you a car? do you feel elated when someone gives you a house? do you get all excited when you see actors, singers and other performers? i don't...what's wrong with me?

it was kinda scary when it happened to me...i realized i was different when my dad gave me my second car. the first one was exciting. the second one was like nothing...i would liken it to your parent giving you your allowance. i have to know if i am normal...if this is a normal reaction of someone who receives something of value. it's not that i don't value the things that was given to me...please don't get me wrong but it felt like it was "no big deal". are you like that too?

in college i would entertain some of the entertainers before they would perform at the school fair but i never got starstruck. i am trying hard to remember if i was ever starstruck on someone. i would get conscious when i'm talking to certain people but not to performers. politicians has the capacity to do that to me and one normal person but i still wonder why up to this day.

when i lost something dear and expensive last christmas season, i got sad simply because i was meaning to give it to my daughter. but when i came to think about it...it was just a thing. i find it weird that it is to my advantage that i don't see the value of things when i feel like it...it is disconcerting at the same time because does it mean then that i don't value things?!

it is hard to really tell the value of things...is it the price? is it the sentiment? is it the way the society values it that you are supposed to follow? tell me because i really don't know. sometimes when you are bombarded with so many things in life and so many choices...you lose the real essense of what is valuable. so tell me please...

to veneers or not to veneers

I have always thought that cosmetic surgery is not for me...as long as it is not necessary for me to do it then I wouldn’t. Unfortunately, I was not blessed with a good set of teeth. When I had my permanent teeth my two front teeth got chipped off right in the middle...right where they met. A filling, root canal and two crowns after I was confronted with a decision that would change my point of view...somehow.

Winter of 2007 I was bothered by a slight pain on my left front tooth. I tried to withstand the pain but it was annoying like a fly that just wouldn’t go away. I finally decided to confront my problem head on. I have decided that since I am going to get my root canal redone...why not have my crowns changed as well? If I was going to have my crowns changed...why not go the extra mile and have veneers instead? You see, it’s a vicious cycle that will never stop. It’s just like love and addiction...(they’re both bad by the way) you know you want to see the person, once you see the person and you kissed, might as well kiss torridly since you’re gonna kiss that person anyway...why not go all the way instead? Hahaha! What a comparison!

Anyway, I had my veneers done and if you were to ask me...I won’t do it if I had a perfectly normal teeth. No matter if your teeth is yellowish or a little bit crooked. The experience was very unpleasant. It was taxing and ate up a lot of my time. I also felt violated when the dentist filed my teeth ruthlessly swift as if it was just a task that he had to do. The weirdest feeling of all was when your whole mouth is still sedated with anesthesia and they would ask you to spit...how on earth could you spit when you can’t even feel your freaking lips? Go figure.

Just to give you a better picture as to how time consuming it was let me give you a rough time line:

1st visit – you will have “the talk” with the wife of the dentist selling you the services/products. The dentist will give you a face analysis and take a picture of your teeth for evaluation.
2nd visit – you would have decided by then since you came back and go on with the process and choose the plan and service that you prefer. They will cast a mold of your existing teeth.
3rd visit – root canal or other services had to be done before removing all the previous crowns and filing of the teeth.
4th visit – removing of crowns and filing of the teeth. Contouring of the gums (if needed). Attachment of temporary veneers.
5th visit – I forgot what I did but I remember they polished my temp veneers too.
6th visit – attachment of the permanent veneers.
7th visit – adjustment of the permanent veneers. Requested to redo my tooth it was too short.
8th visit – adjustment of veneers and attachment of redone tooth.
9th visit – adjustment of veneers due to teeth sensitivity.

And so on and so forth. I thought the sensitivity has gone down. I only felt it when it was really cold in the plane and there was a whiff of cold air while my mouth was open. I do feel better and feel more confident when I smile...but if I was given a choice, nothing beats genuine teeth.